The Favourite vs The Spare: Why Your Cat Has a Chosen One (and How to Tell If It’s You)

In every cat household, there’s a hierarchy. At the top: The Chosen One.
At the bottom: The person who gets blanked daily and whispers “do you love me?” into the void.

Yes, we’re talking about feline favouritism. And the truth is your cat probably does have a favourite human. One person they follow around like a furry stalker. One lap they melt into. One face they rub their head against with the weight of a thousand purrs.

And if that person isn’t you, well…welcome to the role of The Spare. It’s a lonely gig.

But don’t despair just yet. We’ll walk you through why cats pick favourites, how they do it, the key signs you're the top pick.. and what it really means when you’re not.

Why Do Cats Have a Favourite Human?

Unlike their canine cousins, cats are famous for being independent, aloof and sometimes slightly judgemental. But they’re also deeply emotional creatures who form selective, strong bonds with the humans they trust most.

“Cats form secure and insecure attachments to their owners, similar to human children,” says Dr. Kristyn Vitale, an animal behaviour researcher at Oregon State University. In her 2019 study, she found that around 65% of cats form secure attachments with their humans, meaning they see you as a safe base for comfort and exploration.

But it’s not just about safety. Cats are deeply sensitive to our routines, voices, energy and even our smell. If your vibe is calm, your tone is soft and your hands are slow-moving and respectful, you’re already halfway to Favourite status.

Studies have also shown that women and girls often score big points with cats as they’re more inclined to get down to the cat’s level, speak gently and let the cat set the pace. Cats respond with more “conversations” (aka meows) and affectionate gestures. Boys, meanwhile, sometimes rush in too quickly, triggering the classic “nope” response (fleeing).

At home, women were found to spend more time interacting and had more back-and-forth exchanges with their cats. Basically, they ran a better two-way street. Cats also tuned into their human’s mood, especially if that human was a woman, offering comfort through head rubs and vocalising when they sensed a low moment. And while the cat’s own gender didn’t matter, humans who were consistent, calm and respectful of boundaries had richer, more complex interactions. Translation? If you want Favourite status, act like the human version of a cosy sunbeam.

How Do Cats Choose Their Favourite?

Here’s what actually influences feline favouritism:

1. Consistency

Cats love routine, and they love people who stick to it. If you feed, play or cuddle them at the same times each day, you become a reliable part of their world.

2. Touch

If you’ve mastered the art of the just-right chin scritch or slow head stroke (and know when to stop), you’re winning. Research shows touching your cat on or around the face and head will get the most positive response. Around the butt and tail? Not so much…

3. Tone

Cats respond better to soft, high-pitched tones, especially ones that mirror their own vocal range. (Basically, when it’s your own cat the baby voice works — science says so.) 

4. Body language

Direct eye contact, fast movements or looming postures can make cats nervous. The Favourite is usually the human who understands when to give space and when to engage.

5. Play style

Cats love to play, but they have opinions. If you’re whipping that wand toy with prey-like finesse, they’re into it. If you’re lazily dragging it across the floor like a bored gremlin, not so much.

6. Control 

Cats prefer to control interactions, responding better when they can initiate or retreat. Respecting their cues builds trust and prevents them from feeling helpless.

Signs You're The Favourite (woo!)

So, you think you're the chosen one? Here's how to tell.

You might be the Favourite if your cat:

• Follows you around the house (yes, even to the toilet. Especially the toilet actually…)

• Greets you at the door with tail-up struts and vocal hellos

• Headbutts or “boops” you affectionately

• Gives you the slow blink of trust

• Shows you their belly (but doesn’t necessarily want you to touch it — know your place)

• Sleeps on or near you, especially on your chest, back, or laptop

• Kneads you like dough when they’re feeling safe (aka biscuits!)

• Chooses your lap, even when there are others (and better seats) available

• Grooms you — a lick on the hand, face or hair is a huge compliment

• Purrs deeply when you’re near

• Meows more with you than anyone else — cats reserve their “chatty” side for the people they like best

• Reacts to your emotions — some cats will seek you out if you’re crying or stressed

• Ignores food to come and sit with you first (!!!)

• Rubs their scent on you — face, leg, phone

• Looks at you with that glassy-eyed, “you are my squishy” expression

Signs You’re Just The Spare (boo!)

Not everyone gets the glittering honour of Favourite status. If your relationship with the cat feels… distant, you might be the Spare. Here’s what that looks like:

• You're mostly invisible unless food is involved

• They leave the room when you enter it. Ouch…

• You try to play with them. They blink once and walk away

• The moment the Favourite walks in, you may as well cease to exist

• They tolerate your presence on the bed, but never touch you

• They’ve bonded more deeply with your electric blanket than with you

• You get the “I’m watching you but I’m judging your life choices” stare

• They twitch their tail when you try to pet them

• They react to your voice like it’s an airhorn

Can You Win Them Over?

Short answer: yes, sometimes. But not with desperate bribes and forced cuddles.

Here's how to boost your ranking:

• Respect their boundaries. Let them come to you and don’t force affection.

• Learn their signals: tail flick = annoyed. Slow blink = love.

• Use play to build trust: Regular, interactive play helps you bond and builds positive associations.

• Stick to a calm, consistent routine: This builds safety and familiarity.

• Use scent: Leave out a worn shirt or blanket. Your smell can become comforting.

• Feed them: Yes, it helps. But do it with patience and respect, not just to “buy” love.

Cats are emotionally complex and wildly individual. Some will never change their minds — and this is often down to how they were socialised as a kitten, genetics and even breed. Others might shift their allegiance slowly.

Cats are capable of deep emotional bonds, but they’re also snobs. The Favourite earns that spot through a mix of calm vibes, intuitive behaviour and quality time. The Spare? Well, you might just be their chef, cleaner and personal butler.

And yet, even the Spares have a chance. You might not be the Favourite today, but just keep being cool. One day, they might just bless you with a headbutt of approval.